Granny Panties

As defined in the Urban Dictionary:
Granny Panties - 1)Underwear your mother bought you. 2.) What normal women are forced to wear when all the other panties haven't been washed yet. 3)A pair of underwear which are usually A) larger than the woman who wears them. B) Very stretchy and elastic. C) The best pair of undies you'll ever wear. Most people frown upon them because, as we all know, the smaller your undies are, the cooler you are. But in terms of comfort and practicality they beat thongs by a mile or more.
I was at Victoria's Secret the other day to exchange the underwear we traditionally receive at Christmas from my grandma. These underwear did not fit any of the above criteria for Granny Panties. In fact, they were a little on the low coverage side. Not a good look for me. It was either constant wedgie or constant crack and I decided I wasn't game for either. Consequently, I found myself shuffling through the bins of panties trying to remember what cut I usually wear. I refrained myself from twisting around to check the tag of those I was wearing, but it was really hard. I didn't want to spend more time in the store than I had to. Last time I ran into a student for a rather embarrassing moment, and I didn't want to replay that scene. I quickly grabbed a couple pair that looked "about right" in my size and went through the process of making the return.
"Whew." I thought. "Success." Right. After getting them home, washing them, and drying them. I thought, "these look a little large." I checked the tag and compared them to my other undies. "Bikini" = old style. "Brief" = new style. Oh dear. "Oh well," I thought. "More coverage." I'm not out to impress anyone anyway. I'm all about comfort, baby. Pffft. It took one run in those car covers to realize comfort was not in the cards. More coverage means more fabric, which means more creeping, which means by the time I was done with my run, I had cotton mouth. Enough said.